SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards wish to clarify that none of this happened, and yet have still reached the following decision:
Fact
F1 2026 Rules: FIA Rejects Calls to Ban Power Unit Algorithms
Decision
The FIA has ruled against banning power unit algorithms for the 2026 season, explaining its reasoning in enough technical detail to ensure nobody outside the engine departments actually understands the decision. The Stewards note that "we looked into banning the complicated software thing and decided the complicated software thing should stay" is a fully complete regulatory position, and remind fans that clarity was never actually part of the mandate.
Reason
#F1 #FIA #DecisionBulletin
SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards met, deliberated at length, and ultimately agreed on nothing, before arriving at the following:
Fact
F1 Summer Break: Valtteri Bottas Celebrates Major Off-Road Cycling Win Instead of Resting
Decision
Formula 1's mandatory summer shutdown was designed to give drivers a break from physical exertion — a memo Valtteri Bottas appears not to have received, having instead spent it celebrating a serious off-road cycling result. The Stewards note that swapping one extremely demanding physical discipline for another during your one enforced rest period of the year is either the most dedicated act of cross-training in the paddock or a cry for help, and reserve judgment until his heart rate data becomes available.
Reason
#F1 #Bottas #SummerBreak #DecisionBulletin
SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards, having reviewed no evidence, consulted no witnesses, and checked no footage, are nonetheless confident in the following:
Fact
Report Claims Max Verstappen and McLaren Have Already Begun Talks
Decision
According to paddock reports, preliminary talks have begun between Max Verstappen and McLaren, in a rumoured move that would send Oscar Piastri the other way to Red Bull. The Stewards note that this would require a four-time world champion to leave the only senior team he has ever driven for, a reigning title contender to walk straight into the team he just left, and absolutely everybody involved to pretend this is a normal Tuesday. Nobody has confirmed anything, which in Formula 1 silly season terms is itself considered a strong confirmation.
Reason
#F1 #Verstappen #Piastri #McLaren #DecisionBulletin
SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards, having received no actual report from anyone, and having heard from absolutely no one, considered the following fictional matter and determine the following:
Fact
IMSA Michelin Pilot Challenge: New Entrant Car Blanche Wins Overall in Only Its Third Race
Decision
Car Blanche, a team that did not exist at the start of this IMSA season, has now won overall at Road America in just its third career start — a strike rate most manufacturers spend a decade and several bankruptcies trying to achieve. The Stewards have reviewed the result and can confirm there is no rule preventing a brand-new team from immediately embarrassing paddock veterans who’ve been doing this since before the team had a name, a logo, or apparently much difficulty at all.
Reason
#IMSA #DecisionBulletin
SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards have considered the matter with the seriousness it does not deserve, and determine the following:
Fact
F1 Rookie Arvid Lindblad Reveals He Still Has No Intention of Moving to Monaco
Decision
In a wide-ranging interview covering his relationship with Red Bull advisor Helmut Marko and the tears he shed on the Melbourne grid, Lindblad confirmed he has no plans to relocate to Monaco — the tax-friendly principality where a significant portion of the F1 grid technically resides between races. The Stewards note that racing in Formula 1 while refusing to live in Monaco is roughly equivalent to competing in a Grand Prix while refusing to use the pit lane: legal, unusual, and guaranteed to generate a headline. Lindblad’s accountant was unavailable for comment, reportedly still lying down.
Reason
#F1 #Lindblad #DecisionBulletin
SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards were unable to reach a real decision, so they reached a fictional one instead:
Fact
NASCAR Cup Series: Brodie Kostecki's Indy Debut Sparks Josh Bilicki's Supercars Swap Idea
Decision
Following Supercars title contender Brodie Kostecki's confirmed NASCAR Cup debut at Indianapolis, fellow driver Josh Bilicki has publicly volunteered to reverse the exchange and race a Supercar himself, apparently under the impression that "I've got a few weeks off" constitutes a fully formed international motorsport agreement. The Stewards note that a Supercars champion has already won a NASCAR Cup race this season, meaning the current trade balance sits firmly in Australia's favour, and gently remind Bilicki that volunteering on social media does not, unfortunately, come bundled with an actual seat, budget, or invitation.
Reason
#NASCAR #Supercars #DecisionBulletin
SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards, exercising their entirely imagined jurisdiction, have reached the following fictional conclusion:
Fact
Carl Long's Team Penalized So Heavily MBM Motorsports Now Sits on Negative Points
Decision
NASCAR officials have confirmed that MBM Motorsports has been penalized far enough down the standings to register a negative points total — a genuinely rare feat suggesting the team didn't simply fail to score this weekend, but somehow now owes the sport points it never had in the first place. The Stewards have reviewed the concept of "negative points" at length, concluded that mathematics itself may need representation in future appeals, and remind Carl Long's outfit that ranking below "zero cars entered" is not typically filed under progress. NASCAR has not commented on whether the team can go further into penalty debt next weekend, but nobody at the sanctioning body sounded especially confident ruling it out.
Reason
#NASCAR #DecisionBulletin
SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards have reviewed the situation from several angles, none of which exist, and rule as follows:
Fact
IndyCar Freedom 250: Race Finally Extended to Its Actual Advertised Distance
Decision
IndyCar has officially extended the Freedom 250 Grand Prix to its full 250-mile race distance, ending an unspecified period during which a race named, quite literally, after the number 250 was not, in practice, 250 miles long. The Stewards commend organisers for eventually noticing that a number appearing directly in an event's title is generally expected to be accurate, and note that the change brings the Freedom 250 into line with a policy most other events adopted from the beginning: naming a race after a real number and then actually running that number. The 250 is now, for the first time in series history, simply true.
Reason
#IndyCar #DecisionBulletin
