SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards, exercising their entirely imagined jurisdiction, have reached the following fictional conclusion:
Fact
Race winner celebrates victory by deliberately destroying the exact tyres he spent the entire race trying to preserve
Decision
The Stewards confirm this has always been fully permitted, and is in fact compulsory the moment you are first across the line.
Reason
#Supercars #DecisionBulletin
SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards have reviewed the situation from several angles, none of which exist, and rule as follows:
Fact
Series schedules four separate sessions across two days, apparently unaware that anyone else in motorsport also owns a calendar
Decision
A calendar has been reclassified as a suggestion. A "weekend" is now a rounding error. Thursday is, effective immediately, also race day.
Reason
#FormulaDrift #DecisionBulletin
SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards remind all parties that this document carries no legal weight, moral authority, or basis in fact, and proceed as follows:
Fact
One driver claims pole position for the second time this month; a rival's session is logged in the results as, verbatim, "a disaster"
Decision
The word "disaster" has been formally adopted as an official race classification, ranking below "DNF" and above "no comment."
Reason
#DTM #DecisionBulletin
SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards convened an emergency session for a matter that was, on reflection, not an emergency, and determine the following:
Fact
Driver's own teammates mysteriously forget how "pushing" works during the race's decisive final restart
Decision
The Stewards confirm that team orders remain, as always, non-binding, aspirational, and subject to each driver's personal definition of the word "team."
Reason
#NASCAR #Brickyard400 #DecisionBulletin
SATIRE
ONLY
NOT REAL
The Stewards, acting on a tip from no one in particular, have concluded the following:
Fact
Every major motorsport championship except rally somehow scheduled itself off this exact weekend
Decision
The Stewards can confirm this was not a conspiracy, a boycott, or a statement of any kind. It is simply what happens when several unrelated calendars are built by people who do not check each other's homework.
Reason
#Motorsport #NASCAR #MotoGP #DecisionBulletin
